The following song was composed one evening after several beers. It was my entry into a Coronavirus song competition whose only requirement was that it had to mention the virus . . . which mine did . . . technically. A video of my one and only performance also exists, but I’m not ready to share that quite yet.
(sung to the tune of “Big John” with sincere apologies to Jimmy Dean)
Well he blew into town on a wing and a prayer
Lost the popular vote but he didn’t care
A fat orange dude with comb-over hair, and
An inability to empathize or be self-aware, Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
Kinda broad in the keister and narrow of views
Got his facts from Breitbart and watchin’ Fox News
They say he came to DC from New York town
Where they knew him as a carnival barking clown, Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
Had a populist message for his bigoted views
Keep the Mexicans out, and the Blacks, and the Jews
And don’t forget to piss all our allies away
But Vladimir Putin now, he’s okay, Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
Had a tongue that wagged, little thumbs that tweeted
Beady roamin’ eyes and a pecker that cheated
Little pussy grabbin’ hands pushed 3 wives away
Still the evangelicals said “he’s okay,” Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
They didn’t seem to care where he put his dick
He was Teflon Don ‘cause nothin’ would stick
He bagged playboy bunnies and nasty porn stars
Spent his days on the golf course tryin’ to bag pars, Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
Then one day Corona rode into town
She wasn’t takin’ no shit from the carnival clown
She killed a hundred grand in the blink of an eye
Then said “kiss your re-election goodbye,” Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
And all the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t make the clown look presidential again
On his way outta town his successor came ridin’
A new sheriff in town by the name of Joe Biden, Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don
Well they never did finish that ridiculous wall
And the Mexicans never did pay for it all
They tore all of it down except for one little span
And a sign that read, “Donnie was a tiny, tiny man” Big Don
(chorus) Big Don, big Dooooon, big fat Don