My daughter visited recently and since it was early February we decided to watch ‘Groundhog Day’ in honor of the season. After the movie – which still holds up remarkably well – we talked about what it is about the film that we most enjoy. We decided that beyond the attraction of Bill Murray’s comedic genius and clever plot, we both appreciated Phil Connors’ journey from a self-centered narcissist to a caring man who was able to find purpose and fulfillment in selflessly helping others despite his own apparently permanent predicament.
[Fun fact: The original screenplay by Danny Rubin had Phil Connors trapped in the time loop for 10,000 years. Although it is never stated, the revision by Harold Ramis reduced it to 10 years.]
During our discussion, I opined that I would not be compatible with someone who did not find the film funny in its own right, while also appreciating it at the deeper level that we did. Somehow that launched a discussion of what initially attracted me to her mom, and what makes for compatible long-term relationships in general.
In truth, the first thing that attracted me to her mother was she was drop-dead gorgeous: long legs, long dark hair, classic facial features, and eyes that reminded one of cracked cerulean marble. She was impossible not to notice in an English 102 class of 20 students, and I was only 19 years old so there’s that. However, the NEXT thing I noticed was her sense of humor, which seemed to dovetail perfectly with mine. She was smart, witty and funny, and that was the real hook.
After my daughter left, I began thinking more broadly about what makes for a long, stable relationship. I decided there are five key things to look for in a long-term relationship, and especially in a life partner. And while I’m not suggesting the lack of any one of these qualities will necessarily doom a relationship, I do think having them will improve the odds of success and lacking any of them will reduce those odds, or at least increase the amount of work . . . and yes, all relationships require work, so why look for more?
The first key for long-term compatibility is a shared sense of humor. Do you find the same movies funny? Do you find the same comedians funny? Are you able to make your partner laugh, and vice versa? If so, it will be incredibly helpful as you face the many assorted trials and tribulations that are inevitably part and parcel of a long-term relationship. If not, those times will be a slog.
The second key is similar religious views. Do you believe in God? Why? Why not? If you don’t, are you a casual agnostic or an aggressive atheist? If you do believe, which God do you believe in . . . and yes, they are all different, otherwise there wouldn’t be different religions, right? What does this god demand of you in return for salvation? Are you and your partner on the same page on this? If not, it’s going to be an issue at some point.
The third key is having similar, or at least not too dissimilar, political views. This was not as important before Trump, but now it’s essential. Moreover, it will affect how and/or whether you get along with your partner’s friends and family. If they’re MAGA and you’re not, it’s a recipe for disaster, and it will likely continue to be so long after Agent Orange has gone to his well-earned reward.
The fourth key is to have similar attitudes toward money. Are you a saver or a spender? Do you live for today or for the future? Do you have financial goals and expectations that are similar to, or at least compatible with, your partner? Beyond that, what is your philosophy regarding money? Do you have one? Have you ever even thought about it? Has your partner? If not, I guarantee that both of you eventually will, and if your respective philosophies are significantly different it will be a source of perpetual conflict. Ants and grasshoppers can live together, but at least one of them is likely to end up regretting and/or resenting it.
The fifth key is shared interests and activities. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time? What are your favorite recreational pursuits? How would you choose to spend a nice day? How about a rainy day? What activities recharge you mentally, physically and emotionally? Which ones suck the life out of you? Does your partner share your interests and activities? If not are they willing to cultivate an interest in them? Are you willing to do the same for them? People who play together stay together. Those who don’t will seek out others to play with. While that isn’t necessarily a threat to a relationship, it can be if there are not enough shared interests and activities.
So, there you have it, the five keys to compatibility: humor, religion, politics, money and interests/activities. If you find someone who (a) you are attracted to, and (b) with whom you share these five qualities, then you have a good chance at long-term success. If one or more of these factors is lacking, it might be wise to give it some more thought, or at least recognize there will be more work to be done.
Addendum: After sharing this essay with my daughter, she pointed out a couple more things people should share; mutual respect and trust. While both are more difficult to assess and subject to change, I think she has a good point. So I guess there are SEVEN keys to compatibility . . . at least. No wonder so few relationships last!